I keep feeling like we have so many “rainy” days yet I still count my blessings. I have nothing to complain about compared to others, just lots of things that make me feel like I am hitting a wall.
Took C in yesterday for her 7 year well check, wait a minute when did my girl turn 7? How the heck did that happen already! Anyways, at her appointment they had a hard time getting her blood pressure and once they did it was a little on the high of the normal scale. I always thought blood pressure was linked to your heart. Well in kids, I guess, it is linked more to kidneys. Well C (and CJ for that matter) both have kidney reflux. So a renal ultrasound has been scheduled to check her kidneys. Just another “thing” to deal with.
With everything going on my weight has kept climbing. It isn’t like I eat horrible, but I snack when I am stressed. Gee, I wonder if I have anything that could stress me out lately?! I have noticed this and have been keeping a food diary with calorie intake. I would love to join Wei.gh.t Wa.tch.ers but we just don’t have the money right now for it so I am working on doing it with some help of some amazing moms on my WT board and my wonderful mom. My hope is that they will have a nice litlte New Years deal that will make it affordable and I can go full force into it. So until then I will maintain my calorie intake and keep taking the stairs. What stinks is since we live in an apartment it isn’t like I can do any W i i game that has jumping involved, let alone any fitness DVD that has it. So working out can be difficult for me. It is getting cold and taking both girls on a nice walk is difficult. I have finally started to figure out why this is so important to me, and it isn’t just to get healthy, I have never had to diet in my life. I have been lucky to be involved in sports when I was in school, both Middle and High. My BIL’s wife is tiny, my guess is she weighed what I did at the start of my pregnancy with CJ at the end of hers with my niece. Why do I bring this up? Well I am seeing that what other think of me and see me as really affects me. In two months we will be having family Christmas with hubby’s family. I love spending time with everyone, but putting on a swimsuit scares me so much that I feel like I am having an anxiety attack. The last thing I want to do is put on a suit with my extra 30 to 40 pounds and stand anywhere near his family. I don’t want to embarrass myself or anyone else by how I feel I look. I realize it seems selfish to think of myself that way, but I do. I understand that 30 to 40 pounds is nothing and such, but to me it is huge. I feel huge. I feel unlovable, and to be perfeclty honest VERY unsexy. Now is the time I take control again. Now exactly sure how I am going to do that yet, but I will.
